Reflection: Is it in my Genes? (I)

I'm not fearful of incoming information over in Squidoo-land; thus I allow comments and dialogue on the more occasional blog posts that I write there. Coming home in tears one day -- I think I'm about to do something tears, I'm close enough to feel the fear tears -- I felt the impulse to post this particular on my Squid blog first... before this one even. The post that I am reprinting here I actually had up at the time of that write-up that I shared in Another's Images.

I've been contemplating the various factors that affect how other's view me, and the credence they put in things I express. I've also very much been contemplating genes. There are multipe themes in this post that you can expect me to return to:

"I express well in writing, and sometimes I’m very glad for that… on a personal level.

I’m getting ready — at least I think I’m getting ready! — to write a letter to a nurse… a nurse I respect, one who struck me as both more knowledgeable and more respectful the doctors I have known. I don’t make a good impression on doctors. I’m afraid of medical prefessionals, but my demeanor doesn’t mean that I’m ignorant, or irrational. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that doctors have often treated me like I was very small.

So I’m going to write to a particular nurse, and I’m going to explain in the most courteous manner I can that I don’t really want to hear anyone’s opinion, and that I don’t really want to talk. I want blood. I want genetic testing. I’d rather not spend hundreds of dollars out of pocket, of course (I don’t have a lot at this point) but if I have to, I will. I just need to put it all in someone else’s hands.

I could chicken out or postpone the ordeal — I have been doing that for over a year. But I will say it felt a little less daunting to take those first steps when I realized I have some very relevant posts on my Evening Nigh Reflections blog… a few relevant lenses and articles. I don’t have a lot to say, but I can sift through my writings and pass along a few links.

Those who read this post can probably see why my web personas get wary of each other. 'You do what you need to do,' said TBT, 'You do what you need to do for both of us, but if you’re going to issue memos like this from our joint headquarters, make sure you keep on referring to me by my initials only'..."

Reflection: Another's Images

"Alex... This post is worth far more to me than the $100 I sent you to improve my exposure. Although... Nicki and Karen tell me they got the same exposure for half price..." I glanced at that tongue-in-cheek (and maybe slightly embarrassed) comment that had been posted at a Squidoo-related site and thought, "Hmmm, what exposure did Nicki and Karen and John get?"

When I link to, or include a write-up from some Squid-related site, I'm not necessarily bragging. No, there is some particular point that I am trying to make, and I'm using another's words and impressions. I did quite a bit of that in A Matter of Trust.

I'm going to include an excerpt today of another writeup -- I'll refer back to it again. This is from a Squidoo-related blogging site: a place people write about their Squidoo pages, others' Squidoo pages, and/or their particular niches and pet concerns. (The site is partly about backlinks and mutual promotion, but largely about community.) This quoted excerpt is by Alex, aka Drifter:

"I’ll throw the spotlight on three voices now, three voices that ring clear in my heart and playfully toy with my addled mind...

John's Bullshot is a wonderful broadcast of facts and observations that is confidently playful...

The Custard Bowl. Honest, cheerful, full of life. Nicki’s voice is like a spell. Weaving across my eardrums, the magic takes me places...

And then there is Squid and Squabble. When I read Karen’s words, I am beckoned on a chase. Into a foggy night I am drawn by glimpses of a beauty in a black trench coat. Slender calves walking away from me. Long dark hair accentuated by moments of hazy street lamps..."

Curious images, those. My column, Squid and Squabble, draws its name from the tenuous relationship between the two web personas who share my Squidoo account. I intentionally removed the link tomy own Squid column, but I do plan to repost -- and discuss -- something from Squid and Squabble in the next day or two.

Reflection: A Matter of Trust

Something I wrote in my most recent post could, I suppose, be construed as bragging, and something I write at the bottom of this one could as well. Ah, that's not the intent, though! Before I resume my account of current events, I want to dip way, way into the past...

I was bullied a lot when I was little. The situation began to change when I moved from rural Virginia to the Phoenix suburbs. Some people say that peer issues are at their worst in junior high, but it was during those years that I began to find a niche. With each transition (into high school, into adulthood) I met with more acceptance and more friendship. By the early years of high school, I had already learned that I could build bridges with words -- by telling stories that were personal indeed. Sure there are people in this world who will look down on me, but my tendency is to believe there are people worth trusting ever single place I go -- not everyone is, no, but lots of people, and they're everywhere. They're in Florida, and the Phillipines, and Scotland -- and I'm speaking now from experience, not conjecture.

Making Sense of Monotropism won Lens of the Day at Squidoo a couple days ago. There are now more than 40 comments, written by Squidoo-ers, on that lens. I had to press "load more comments" several times to read them. (I had been aware before the LOTD thing that the lens had been tweeted; one person had commented she encountered the piece when a fellow 'lensmaster' tweeted it.)

If people are surprised at what I've written on Squidoo, it's because they are looking at my behavior through the lens of their own experience -- something we all of course to some degree do. Know: when I tell tales of long-ago childhood, I write in the present tense, but that doesn't mean the transcient concerns of a long-ago little girl are my concerns. I share those stories with particular people because I want to share them, not because I think they are the only person in the world who will accept 'poor broken little me'. I suppose to some extent, I've had myself, and my writing, to blame when people have held that belief -- but I think that people are actually more likely to hold the belief if they themselves see people as untrustworthy.

My favorite book of the middle school years -- my brother's as well -- was The Young Unicorns. A favorite line: "When our trust is broken, as it always is, the only response that is not destructive is to trust again, not blindly, you understand, but fully aware..."

PS I just realized that in my previous post I linked to Placefy Geography Game when I meant to link to "Promising Lensmaster of 2010". Whoops. Well, I've corrected it now.

Reflection: A Bit of Recognition

The writing I am linking to here, Promising Lensmasters of 2010, is by a 'Squid' who is the mentor for nonprofit organizations and an honorary angel. The piece she featured of mine is one that I didn't post on the forums or, fot that matter, here. It contains some personal writing and some research references -- one section was reprinted from this blog ("Please Don't Email the Drops").

I've put up several pages since then, and a couple I do want to talk about here in this blog. That, too, will probably precede the next "soapbox post" that I write. I guess I have a bit of blog cklog.

PS It looks like Susanna is going to be following -- and giving some help to -- the people she's taken under her wings... er, tentacles. I went back and added a "With thanks" module near the bottom of that one lens., and I included the picture you see here -- rather an interesting photoeffects find.